A Real Russian Invention
by Yami-chan and Unrealistic
Summary: By UR. A very crazy story that doesn't make much sense. Includes a Tetris tournament in which someone else gets to be captain for a week. Pon Far. Overdue medical exams and Klingon women showing up at the wrong time.


Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. Paramount does. Tavia owns Ensign Jones, as she has graciously allowed me to use him for purposes to be revealed. Yami-chan and I own Lt. Owens. Our all-purpose use soldier now turned Starfleet officer.

"A Real Russian Invention"

By Unrealistic

(And her brother, Quantum Maniac)

It was that dreaded time of the year. The time everyone feared with utmost concern. The time when Kirk was in his wariest of moods. The time when Sulu took out the shuttlecrafts for test runs. The time when Tibbles purred. The time when Chekov decided to lie out the course for the next year or two. The time when Scotty found something terribly wrong with the warp core. The time when Uhura sent out all unsent messages and cleaned out her language banks in the computers. The time when even Spock would go test out the escape pods with the captain. 

It was time for Dr. McCoy's annual checkup on the Enterprise crew. ****

Dr. McCoy was sitting at his desk in Sickbay at this current moment, feeling terribly lonely. No one on the ship wanted to have their annual checkup, so they would avoid him so he in turn couldn't force them into Sickbay. It didn't help that Kirk hated checkups. Everyone looked up the captain. A few namable security officers showed up on time every year, but that was it. McCoy was beginning to see a pattern.

He had a problem every year. How to give everyone his or her checkups. Last year he had blackmailed the captain – McCoy smiled smugly at the memory involving Kirk's morning cup of coffee. The year before he lured in Spock by telling him it was logical to get a medical examination. McCoy still basked in the brilliance of that one. One year he had even gone as far as to induce a Starfleet law that stated that the chief medical officer can override the orders of the ranking officer in a medical emergency. (0) He had conveniently left out the part about emergency, of course. Each year McCoy had succeeded in getting a member of the senior crew to get their medical examination and being ranking officers, and friends with the captain, would order everyone else to have theirs. 

McCoy was running out of people a part of that particular senior crew. They had all been subdued and stayed far away from McCoy at this time of year. This is why he was in Sickbay, thinking about what could be done this year. At this time, Nurse Chapel had opened the door, coming back from somewhere for some reason. During this brief period of time he overheard a conversation going on between the two members of the Helm/ Navigation console. 

"So, I heard your mom sent you a pretty big computer game. It took Uhura 12 hours to download the file. Uhura was so thrilled she had an excuse to work, she sent your mom a electronic gift card."

"Yah, it's a game called Tetris. I played it many times when I was a child. It's a Russian invention, ya know." (1)

"Er, yes. I didn't know that, Pavel."

"No, really, it's a real one this time!" (2) And that was the last of what McCoy heard. Nurse Chapel had closed the door. He sat in silence for a moment, and then an evil smirk plastered his face. A momentary plan had been formed.

Jim Kirk was pacing back and forth in his ready- room. Something was wrong, very wrong. For the past week since the examinations started Bones had not pestered him to get his checkup. It sent Kirk's risk levels soaring. But, of course, risks were his business. 

He stepped out onto the Bridge. Chekov was playing Tetris and Sulu was watching, having nothing better to do. Spock was at his Science Station no doubt doing something very scientific. Uhura was filing her nails and random members of the ship buzzed by doing seemingly important things. McCoy was on the Bridge. Kirk narrowed his eyes. He was going to find out what was going on. 

"Oh, hi Jim. What's up?" Kirk stared. McCoy was never this perky and he never said 'What's up'. Ever. Especially not on medical examinations week.

"What's going on Bones? You haven't talked about medical exams all week. Do you need a checkup?" McCoy smiled. Smirked. You couldn't really tell. 

"All right, Jim. Plain and simple. I'll bet you by the end of the week, I can have you taking your examination." Kirk was confused. But did know that bets involved risks. He had to take those.

"You're on"

"We're going to have a Tetris tournament on the Enterprise." Kirk was puzzled and exasperated.

"Why Bones, why? Why Tetris? It's the single most boring game in the universe! You only play that when you're at your whit's end!"

"Captain, Doctor, did you say something about Tetris tournament? That's a…"

"Russian invention. We know Mr. Chekov." Kirk replied, wanting to hurry up and get McCoy's answer."

"No, it really is!"

"Because, Jim. It's a game everyone knows how to play- and likes to play, not doing orbital space jumps without knowing what they're doing (3)- giving everyone on the ship a chance to participate."

"But, Bones. We never give the rest of the crew a chance to participate unless it's the security team on away missions. It's always just the senior crew!" (4)

"You're not the only on who hates medical exams, Jim." At this point in time the entire Bridge crew was staring at the Captain and Doctor with interest. This could either get good or ugly.

"What does the winner get? Exempt from checkups for a year?"

"Sure, but the winner also gets to be captain of the ship for a week."

Answer: Ugly, definitely ugly.

It was bedtime for Kirk. He couldn't sleep. Like a fool, no, like a risky fool he had agreed to McCoy's idea. It was risky, very risky. Possibly the riskiest thing he had ever done in his life, but risks were his business. When man first looked into the stars….

Kirk fell asleep.

The next morning Kirk woke up to COM system announcing the tournament preliminaries starting in five minutes.

Kirk was in Rec. Room 10 in 4 minutes and 59 seconds. 

"Was this your idea to start this early, Bones? This is just another one of your scams to get me in Sickbay for something other than a nice talk."

"Now, why would I every do that Jim?"

"I have my suspicions. I'm going to go start up this competition and get this over with." 

The tournament was rather popular. Most of the crew was there, most hoping to get their shot at being captain of the ship. When Kirk stood on the podium silence commenced.

"Humans, Aliens, Crewman and the Security Team, welcome to the Enterprise's first ever Tetris tournament…" 

"That's a Russian invention, you know!"

"…Since it's early in the morning and everyone wants to get back to sleep, we'll start right after I explain the rules. The preliminaries will be individual rounds and eliminate everyone besides the top eight scores from the tournament. The rest of the rules will be explained later after the preliminaries. Good luck, you're going to need it. As your captain, I'm going to win." 

Kirk left the podium and McCoy took over. "Great confidence builder, Jim." He said sarcastically. Then spoke to the crew. "Let me remind you of the pros and cons. Winner of the tournament gets exempt from medical exams for a year and gets to be captain of the ship for a week." Cheers from the crowd were heard. It was unsettling for Kirk, especially since even those not participating were cheering.

"Now, remember all participating losers must not only take this years medical exams, but also start to take quarterly medical exams. It isn't too late to back out." A collective shudder from the crew, including their distinguished captain. 

"So, without further ado, let's start. As soon as you're done, you're free to go. The eight finalists will be announced tomorrow. Ready, go!"

The tournament that first day went well. Kirk was a sweating nervous wreck. There was no way he was going to let someone else have control of _his _ship. McCoy was only one of the two senior officers who did not participate. He was the host after all. The other was Uhura. She was broadcasting the tournament to the rest of the ship for the stray crewmembers on duty at the time.  Chekov was absolutely thrilled to be doing this. One wondered if he really cared about the prize. Scotty was doing fairly well, but was going a little too fast, he wanted to get back to his engines. Who could blame him? This _is_ Scotty we're taking about.

 Sulu was hypnotized. Watching block after block falling down and having to fit the pieces together. This was actually something that was happening to many of the participants.

Everyone finished with relative ease. Sulu had to go to Sickbay anyway for his hypnosis. Poor Sulu. McCoy took no time in giving Sulu his checkup. He wasn't that bad off don't worry. He kept muttering "The blocks…the pretty little blocks." (5) McCoy was hesitant to diagnose anything, but told him to get some rest. Other participants were removed in the same condition. They were eliminated from the tournament for the inability to move their hands. 

McCoy later caught Kirk on the way to his room that night. 

"Hiya, Jim. How are you fairing at the tournament? Afraid you're going to lose your rank for a week?" Kirk tensed. This was quickly becoming a very sensitive subject for him. Every time he tried to think that he never should have agreed to the terms, risk came up and risks were his business. When man first looked into the stars…

"Jim, are you okay, you look like you're spouting off about risks in you head."

"How did you know that?"

"You were in that stance again." McCoy concluded. "Maybe I'll check your brain…"

"Don't even try it!"

Kirk knew things where going to get ugly, so he changed the subject to… what else? The tournament.

"I haven't heard from Sulu lately. What happened?"

"Brain freeze" McCoy said plainly "otherwise he's perfectly healthy"

Kirk pondered that for a moment while McCoy seized it.

"By the way, Jim, how badly do you think you're going to lose?" McCoy added smugly.

"Lose? I can't lose, especially when it's a risk, because risks are our business. When man first looked at the stars…"

"You're doing it again, Jim. Are you sure…"?

"No, Bones, I jest need some rest… but before I go Bones…"

"Yeah?"

"Is one-hundred fifty-six points a high score?"

McCoy's jaw dropped faster than a Tetris block.

"I take that as a yes."

That night Kirk slept very well.

Kirk woke up to the COM unit again. It was not making him happy. As captain, he needed all of his sleep. He recognized the voice as Owens, doing the dreaded Monday wake up call, which always began with his rendition of "It's a Beautiful Morning". Always at six am during the shift change and always off key. 

After turning off his COM in favor of the relentless beeping of the alarm clock Kirk got dressed and wandered down to the Mess Hall where he found McCoy being swarmed by the rest of the crew, tying to figure out who moves on to the next round. 

"Bones! Are you in there?" Kirk couldn't make out a clear answer, but it kind of sounded like ' I'm a doctor, not a MC!'(6) Knowing Bones, he probably said precisely that.

"Are you okay, Bones?" For a while there was no answer as McCoy pondered this while one of the feminine contestants rubbed his back. McCoy's eye twitched. 

"No! I want to get back to Sickbay!" As if an afterthought he added, "Now!"  Kirk knew he shouldn't, but couldn't resist.

"Why? To have _your_ yearly medical exam?" McCoy was, at this point, not a happy camper. Or rather, doctor, because he's a doctor, not a camper.

"Get me out of here, Jim!"

At this point Ensign Jones entered the Mess Hall. Normally no one would notice, but over the years Kirk had gotten into the habit of noticing Jones just to be on the safe side of things. Today, Kirk noticed. Then he had to double take this notice and his eyes stayed on the Ensign this time. Jones was adorned in good luck charms. Horseshoes, rabbit's feet you name it, it was there.

"Ensign… what are you doing?" Jones saluted.

"Good morning, sir! Attempting to stay accident free, sir!" 

"Remind me to find Spock later and ask him to figure out the odds of that not being possible. I'm sure it's a fairly high number against you."

"Sorry, sir. With the tournament going on and everything, I wanted to at least try." The tournament. Right. Kirk had completely forgotten about McCoy in the mob. He turned from the Ensign and found himself face to face with the doctor.

"Thanks for the help, Jim."

"How'd you get out?"

"I finally told them who goes onto the next round and they left me alone. The part that disturbs me is that I found phone numbers in my shirt…. What the heck is wrong with you, Jones?"

"Just doing my part in trying to keep this tournament nice and safe."

"I'm a doctor, not Spock, but I'm pretty sure that's not possible. Now take off all those ridiculous ordainments and come down for the second round."

"Why do you want me down there?" Jones asked "My shift is on in half and hour."

"Because, believe it or not, you're one of the finalists!" Kirk's mouth dropped.

"You're kidding me! How did Jones make it into the next round?"

"I don't know how. All I know is that he got the highest qualifying score."

"I _did_?! Wow"

"Don't get used to it, ensign. As your captain, I'm ordering you to lose. You need those exams, which reminds me, why did you enter the tournament in the first place?"

"Oh, I just like to play Tetris in my spare time. It's a very safe game until my computer short circuits. Mr. Scott keeps having to fix it."

"So that's why there's so many blackouts," Kirk thought. 

"Besides, Jim, you can't order him to lose."

"Why not?"

"Its not morally right. It brings down a person's self confidence."

"What self confidence, Doctor? I don't have any."

"Well, we have to give you something. Be nice to him, Jim. It'll be good for your health." Kirk is about to respond when McCoy stops him. "You were going into your pose. I'm not going to let you rant again." Kirk started to pout, but then thought better of it to pout in front of Jones. Bad influence.

The next round ended with surprisingly no mishaps. The four finalists ended up being Kirk, Spock, Chekov and Jones. This was as to be expected, except for the Jones part, of course. 

As a doctor, McCoy had noticed considerable changes in the behavior of these four finalists. To the untrained eye, Spock would have been normal, but to McCoy the Vulcan was acting a bit off. So, as chief medical officer, he took it upon himself to talk with each of them to prepare for the finals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

_Chief Medical Officer's Log: Supplemental_

_Talking with Spock is the easiest thing in the world. Trying to understand him is a whole other matter altogether. I tried to talk to that Vulcan about how he feels about the tournament and do you know what he tells me? …_

"Emotions are illogical, doctor." McCoy narrowed his eyes.

"Look, Spock this is going into my Log. Say something meaningful, please."

"That is not logical."

"Tell me what isn't logical about it, then!"

"You have instructed me to say something meaningful, however, since there is a 99.9% chance of 'meaningful' pertaining to an emotional response in this conversation, it would not be logical, since this has nothing to do with my emotions. It seems to me that Tetris is the only logical thing on the Enterprise."

_Why I even try to this day still amazes me._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`_

_Chief Medical Officer's Log: Supplemental_

_Jim is extremely nervous. As captain of this ship, it's not good for the crew to see their captain getting worked up about a Tetris tournament of all things. After announcing the final four yesterday, Jim snapped at just about everyone, even Admiral Bum bottoms. I feel sorry for that man. Anyway when I talked with him, he wasn't much better…_

"I don't know if I can stand it anymore, Bones. I think the pressure is getting to me."

"Do you want me to run a checkup?"

"How dare you even suggest something like that?!"

"I try to grab my opportunities."

"After I win this tournament, you won't have any opportunities for the next year!"

"What if someone else wins? They get to be captain for a week."

"Spock can handle that fine."

"How do you know Spock is going to win?"

"If I don't, Spock has to. Its logical." McCoy blinked.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"You do that."

"But what if Chekov or Jones wins?"

"Chekov will do well, he's a good man."

"Jones?"

"That's what frightens me to no end."

Chief Medical Officer's Log: Supplemental 

_Pavel Chekov is a really nice guy. I would describe him as a big dreamer. He wants to be an admiral someday. I expect he will be a great admiral, provided he gets over his small obsession with Russian technology, that is._

"So, Pavel, how are you today?"

"Very nervous, doctor. Do you know if it was the Russians who invented the nervous breakdown?"

"No, but I doubt it was."

"Oh, if it was, I would have felt a whole lot better going into one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Chief Medical Officer's Log: Supplemental 

_Jones is not much better off than Jim. Maybe even worse. Jones isn't used to getting this much attention from the rest of the crew besides laughter from his frequent…accidents. During my talk with him he cried a lot and ranted even more. When we get back to Earth, I'm thinking about getting a psychology major just to learn how to deal with Jones._

"And that's how you spilt the coffee on you shirt?"

"That's how I spilt the coffee on my shirt."

_It seems normal now, but Jones doesn't even drink coffee._

"I don't know how much more I can take, doctor. I think I'm going crazy."

"You're not going crazy, ensign. Take a deep breath." Jones did so. "Now count to ten" Jones again did as told. "Now, do you feel better?"

"No, I feel worse."

"I've told you before, being pessimistic is not going to help you deal with anything."

"But you do it all the time!"

The boy had me there, but I wasn't about to admit it. I'm a doctor; I can't let my patients know when I'm wrong, not that I ever am.

"You're going to be fine. Just play the dumb game. If you win, we'll talk later." 

"There is no way I'd be able to beat anyone anyway! They're all Bridge crew. Senior officers! I can't beat my commanding officers at Tetris!"

In conclusion, whoever wins this tournament is going to be in sorry shape. It doesn't help that we've been assigned to the Klingon/Federation neutral zone. Lord, look over us.

Spock vs. Jones and Kirk vs. Chekov. That was the lineup. Spock and Jones were first to have their match.

Spock said nothing through the entire match. Jones didn't say anything either. He just sweated a lot. Spock was impassive. He was winning too. It looked as if Jones was finally going to catch up with his luck. Then, the inconceivable happened. Spock started to pay less attention to the screen and look back at the audience more, allowing Jones to gain some sort of a lead. Kirk and McCoy were confused. Spock was now wiggling in his seat. The rest of the crew was now confused. McCoy then noticed who Spock was looking at in the crowd. Specifically, the women.

"Jim… how old is Spock?"

"I don't know. What makes you ask?"

"Let me phrase your answer in the form of this question. How long has it been since Spock's last Pon Far?"(7)

"Please, please tell me you are kidding."

"It's the only thing I can diagnose him with."

Spock had finally stopped looking at the screen altogether and had left his seat. He was running over to Uhura, who had set up communications and was playing announcer over the COM unit.

With all the grace of a Vulcan having Pon Far, Spock asked that dreaded question. "Lieutenant, will you bear my child?" At that point, Uhura stood up and slapped Spock across the face sending the Vulcan to the floor unconscious. Meanwhile, Jones had won.

Kirk and McCoy witnessed this event with mixed feelings. Kirk didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. McCoy didn't know whether to laugh or to take a picture. Yet both stood with a look of horror on their faces. There was no doubt in any crewmember's mind what had happened here. McCoy was the first to speak after the event.

"So, who wants to start the next round?" Kirk frowned.

"I wish Spock was still conscious, I want to know the exact odds of Spock getting Pon Far in the middle of a Tetris match with Ensign Jones."

Kirk and Chekov were next. Kirk was determined to win. Chekov wasn't as determined. He just wanted to win because Tetris is, of course, a Russian invention.

"I sorry if I have to beat you, Captain, but it is something that just has to be done."

"As your captain, I must win. Not that I distrust you as being captain, it's just that there's a chance Jones could win and that scares me. Also, I'm not about to get quarterly medical exams."

"Whatever you say, captain."

The match started out normally enough. Until they started talking. 

"Say, did you know that losing a Russian invention?"

"No, I… did not know that captain."

"It is. Do you know what else?"

"What?"

"Giving up is also a Russian invention." 

"Oh… really?" At this point Kirk was making quite a few combos on his Tetris board, which adds garbage to Chekov's stack of blocks. Chekov was slowing down himself, almost losing his will to win. 

"You know, captain, you have me almost beat, why don't we just say you win?"

"Really? Well, I don't know…"

"Please, captain, I want to stay with the Russian spirit." 

Kirk was thrilled. He was about to agree, when a thought entered his mind.

//You know what you're doing is wrong, Jim. //

/Wait a minute… who are you? What are you doing in my head! /

//I'm your conscience, Jim. Call me Gene. //

/So, why are you here? /

//You know talking Pavel into losing isn't right, Jim. You can't do it. //

/Yes I can. I'm the captain. I can do anything I want! /

//Jim, not only am I your conscience, I control the strings. // (8)

/… You're not serious. /

//Deadly//

Kirk decided to tell Chekov the truth. But coming back to reality after spacing out to talk with Gene, Kirk realized he was too late. 

The lights were out and everyone was gone. The only thing Kirk could see was the screen flashing a "You Win!" sign. 

"That wasn't very nice, Jim." Kirk turned around to see McCoy.

"I was going to tell him the truth, I really was! But I was talking with Gene for so long, I guess I was too late."

"Gene? Jim are you sure you don't need your head examined."

"He's my conscience, Bones. And he controls our fates."

"Conscience? I never knew you had one. Especially not one that has to do with fate." 

Teasing aside, the two went to their quarters to get some well needed sleep. Well, Kirk slept well. McCoy was up all night dealing with a patient.

"But I'm up against the CAPTAIN tomorrow! I can't beat the captain! I'm an ensign! It's not right! I'm a security officer to add to it! I have rotten luck! I can't do this! I'm going into hysterics!"

McCoy did not sleep that night in Sickbay.

Our morning starts out in the Mess Hall. Jones is spreading his jelly on toast very carefully with a plastic spoon. Forks and Knives are much too dangerous. The spoon suddenly slipped from his hand and splattered jelly all over his uniform. Jones groaned.

"Hi, Sam, how are you doing?"

"Oh, hi, Rob. What's up with your uniform?" Lt. Robert Owens is currently wearing a uniform that is not Starfleet. On the left side was the insignia of OZ. (8.5)

"Oh, nuts, wrong uniform. I never know which one they want me in nowadays." Owens complained. He left and came back wearing the traditional Starfleet uniform. Of the Enterprise E, that is. No one really cared, though. Everyone knew Owens was a little off. Always wearing different uniforms. Once he came to work in an old WW2 uniform. As far as Kirk was concerned, if it was Starfleet, it was good. But it would be fun to have a casual Friday sometime.

"Say, congrats on getting into the final two in the tournament, Sam."

"Thanks. That's what everyone's been telling me. I spent the whole night last night talking with Doctor McCoy about my nervous breakdown. How am I supposed to beat the captain and then _be_ captain?"

"Well, think about it this way, Sam. If you lose, it's life's way of telling you that you're not captain material. But if you do win by some miraculous way, win. Life is telling you that you're destined to be a Starfleet captain."

"I guess. But I don't like the idea. I think I may just give up. Doctor McCoy says I shouldn't, but I'm second guessing myself."

"Go for it, Sam. You've got nothing else to lose."

"Except my rank." Jones said dejectedly.

That afternoon, the fated game arrived. Jones was shaking. Kirk was mad. Spock was in the Brig and wanting very much to succeed in his Pon Far. Kirk glared at Jones in that menacing glare of glares. Jones fell back feeling very intimidated.

"If I don't win, a certain someone is going on a very _dangerous_ away mission." Kirk said casually. Jones gulped. Suddenly, he felt very unsafe. McCoy walked up to the two of them.

"Alright you two. Lets play a fair game. No threats," McCoy glared at Kirk. "And no whining," he said referring to Jones.

The game started. It was normal. Kirk was spending all of his attention to the blocks in a vengeful manor. Jones was also paying all attention to the blocks, but in a very nervous manor.

Jones, apparently, had some luck. Or was it fate? No one would know for sure except for Kirk's conscience, Gene. It was at this time that Uhura got a priority one call from Starfleet.

"What do they want now?" Kirk yelled, his eyes unwavering from the screen. 

"It's not Starfleet, it's Carol Marcus, Sir!" 

Kirk froze, then thought better of it and barely saved his blocks from connecting in the wrong way.

"What is she calling about?"

"She wants to tell you herself!"

"Put her on voice!" Uhura did so and Carol's message came.

"JAMES TIBERIOUS KIRK! RIGHT NOW, I AM IN LABOR WITH YOUR SECOND CHILD, SO GET OVER TO THE VIEWSCREEN AND GIVE ME MORAL SUPPORT! GET TO YOUR PRECIOUS BRIDGE BEFORE I NAME THE CHILD KHAN!"

Kirk did not need to hear any more. He abandoned his station at the Tetris screen and headed for the Bridge. Before Kirk could get back from the five hours of labor (It was a girl, they named her Sarah) Jones had won and there was nothing Kirk could do about it.

"What do you mean there's nothing I can do about it? Carol was having our second child!"

"It was your decision to help Carol. Therefore Jones legally won." McCoy explained quite happily.

"But, that means Jones is captain for a week…we're doomed."

"Not all of us! I finally get to start giving you and the rest crew quarterly exams!"

"Jones. Is. Captain. For. One. Whole. Week. Does that not frighten you?"

"It goes into effect tomorrow. Besides, what could happen in a week?"

Answer: Plenty

Day 1: Kirk makes it his personal duty to see that Jones's life is miserable. Kirk gives Jones a layout of all captain duties and then some.

Day 2: After barely surviving day 1 with an incident with a rubber chicken, Jones begins his real duties as captain.

Days 3-6: Same as days 1 and 2.

Day 7: The last day…

Jones plopped down into the captain's chair on the Bridge. It was rather odd feeling for Jones to sit in it. It just didn't feel right that he, as an ensign, was taking the captain's job. Jones looked around the Bridge. Spock had gotten over his Pon Far feeling and was back to normal- to the relief of all the females. Chekov was playing Tetris again, less enthusiastic as before and Sulu was watching him, again. Uhura was filing her nails, again and Kirk was still glaring at him from Tactical. McCoy stopped by the Bridge often to make sure Kirk didn't kill anything.

They had been on patrol in the Klingon neutral zone for four days now and Jones was praying that nothing would happen. One day, all he had to do was get through one more day and this horrid experience would be over with.

Jones left the Bridge. Kirk's glare was getting deathly over uncomfortable. He went to his quarters, or rather, the captain's quarters. He thought he might as well get the Logs done. The day had gone fairly well. He had only tripped over a wire in engineering that morning. The week had gone by almost accident free. Maybe Owens was right. Maybe he could be captain material.

"…Ummm, Captain's Log: Stardate 1313.3

This is Ensign Jones filling in for Captain Kirk again. The Captain still refuses to talk to me. He is starting to scare me. I didn't break anything important this week. I fried the weapons systems yesterday, but Mr. Scott got them working again really soon. I tripped over a cord in engineering today, but that was it. Well, no, I slipped on a banana peel at breakfast. Dr. McCoy gave me aspirin for the pain, but no lasting damage was done. 

Being in the Klingon neutral zone, we sure haven't seen any ships. Just us. I think my luck is finally starting to change!" Just as Jones said his words, the Enterprise was hit and the blackout came.

"What happened?!" Kirk demanded.

"A Klingon Bird of Prey on the starboard bow, sir." Uhura responded.

"Ohhhh, no. Not the Klingons. Not now…" moaned Kirk. Jones ran onto the Bridge at that moment. Uhura relayed him the message.

"Ahhhhhhh!!!! What am I gonna do?! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"The Klingons are hailing us, what should I do?" Jones was in panic he turned to Kirk.

"Don't look at me, you're still captain for another ten hours." Jones shakily turned to Uhura.

"Go ahead and put them on screen, Lieutenant" Although it came out more like, "G-go a-a-ah- ahead a-and p-pu-ut th-them o-on sc-screen, Lieu-Lieutenant" She did. The Klingon on screen was big and burly. Just like the rest of them. The Klingon was female. 

"Where is Kirk?" She demanded. Like a fool, Jones responded.

"I'm Ensign Jones of the USS Enterprise: Security Division. I'm captain for a week."

"I don't care, I want Kirk." Jones looked to Kirk, who gave him the signal to ask why. This might get interesting.

"Why?" was Jones's hesitant reply.

"I want him to father my child." At this comment, the male in question promptly fainted at the thought. Jones panicked. 

"Can I get back to you on that one?" Jones squeaked out. Communications shut down between the two ships. McCoy was at Kirk's side.

"Are you all right, Jim? Speak to me!"

"Carol's gonna kill me." Kirk said, half unconscious. 

"Say something positive, Jim!"

"I'm fight' in the Klingons."

"That's not positive, Jim!"

Jones was in his own state of shock. Uhura was attending to him.

"Are you all right, Jones?" Jones was on the floor, wide eyes.

"Just Peachy."

"You're lying."

"We're all gonna to die."

"That's not positive, captain."

"I'm not the captain, he is!" Jones screamed, pointing at Kirk.

"Err, captains, the Klingons are hailing us again." Chekov informed the Bridge. As an afterthought, he added, "Hailing is a Russian invention, you know." 

There was a collective groan from the crew.

"Put them on screen." Kirk said, somewhat taking command again. 

"I'm Kirk, please tell me I did not hear you say what I think you just said."

"I am Captain Solivia of the Junkpile 13." Jones winced at the number. "The Klingons need more warriors. Our child would be the greatest of them all." (9) Kirk winced at the thought. "We will board you, your shields are down and it does not look like they'll be up soon. I'll meet in your quarters, Kirk." Solivia closed communications.

Kirk made a mad dash for the COM. "Scotty, when will shields be up?!" 

"Might take a while, captain. At least four hours." Kirk turned white. "Is something wrong captain?" 

"No, nothings wrong." Kirk squeaked

"We're all gonna die, we're all gonna die, we're all gonna die." Jones chanted.

"What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?" Kirk repeated to himself.

"The phasers still work." Chekov suggested.

"Klingons have disruptors." Kirk countered.

"Escape pods are functional." Sulu put in.

"Where to go? We're in the middle of space!" Kirk shot that idea down.

"Accept defeat?" Jones questioned.

"NEVER!" Kirk yelled.

"There is a 65.7% chance of us being victorious in hand to hand combat."

"Thank you, Mr. Spock!"

"No one ever listens to me," groaned Jones.

The plan was erected so that the Bridge crew would fight the Klingons on the Bridge. Kirk decided it was the farthest away from the quarters and that would be good. McCoy and Uhura kept communications open with the rest of the ship and kept tabs with Scotty down in engineering.

Jones was exceedingly nervous. Kirk was ready to shoot to kill. Spock was impassive. Chekov and Sulu were wondering who was flying the ship. After one look into Kirk's eyes, they decided not to ask.

The Klingons never came. Instead, they beamed Kirk aboard the Junkpile 13. After letting this sink in, everyone turned to Jones. Jones's eye twitched. "We're all gonna die!" he proclaimed.

"That is highly improbable." Spock said

"We have to go save the captain!" was the collective response from Chekov, Sulu and Uhura.

"Shut up and calm down!" was McCoy. " We have to think." Everyone thought. No one had answers to their current problem.

"Now, what would Jim do if any of us were in a situation like this?" More thinking was done.

"Can't we just beam him back?" Everyone stared at Jones. 

"See, there is some hope in you yet!" McCoy exclaimed. Spock locked onto Kirk and sure enough, the Klingon defenses had been down. When Kirk came back, he was back with only his boxers still on. His first words were a bit jumbled, but they sounded something like this.

"Whoever thought of beaming me back is getting a promotion as soon as we get back to Earth!"

Immediately, everyone pointed at Jones. Kirk was exasperated. "You're kidding me…I have to promote Jones to Lieutenant?" 

"That's okay, captain. I don't want a promotion. I'm happy were I am." Before anyone could ask why, Solivia came onscreen. 

"Have it your way, Kirk, if I can't have you, no one can!" Kirk smiled. 

"Fire phasers at will, Jones." 

"WHAT?!"

"Fire the phasers Jones. Now." Jones gulped and fired. They completely missed the Junkpile 13, but sent it to its doom. The question everyone wanted to ask was, 'What happened?' and rightfully so.

// You've done it, Jim. //

/What have I done? /

//You've given Jones the chance he needed to prove himself! /

/But he missed the ship. /

// He got the strings. The vital part. // Kirk understood. The strings were the most important part of any ship in the universe. It was what kept them aloft.

/ Thanks for the help, Gene! /

// Anytime Jim, anytime. //

Another crisis averted, things on the Enterprise went back to normal. Kirk was captain again and Jones was still Jones. There was still the fickle thing about Jones's promotion, though.

"But I don't want to be promoted. I'd be liable to cause more damage."

"He's right about that. It's too risky." Kirk said thoughtfully at the department head's meeting currently going on. The topic was, of course, Jones. McCoy moaned. "But, then again, risks are our business, Jones. When man first looked into the stars…" Jones had had enough.

"When man first looked into the stars, do you know what he really saw? He saw big empty nothingness! A lot of mankind didn't want to go into that big, black nothingness. They had fear of heights! They would have just assumed to stay on the ground and be content! But _some _people, decided to go and disturb that happiness on the ground. Sure, it was a big celebration when we meet the Vulcans, but look at where we are today. Fighting Klingons and almost dying! The Romulans, the Borg and worst of all, Tribbles! They're not risks, they're hazards!" Jones then proceeded to walk out the door in his moment of glory. He tripped on a stray Starfleet badge.

Kirk wanted to cry. His speech had been tampered with. It made him sad. But he didn't cry, as captain of the ship it was not in the job description. But since when had Kirk ever followed the job description? 

"It's all right, Jim. Jones was just being hysterical. I'll go treat him in Sickbay." McCoy comforted, then left. Soon, Spock and Kirk were the only ones left in the room.

"You agree with me, don't you Mr. Spock?"

"There are no risks, only difficult situations that demand logical answers."

"I had a feeling you were going to say something like that."

**The End**

0= Yes, that really is a Starfleet law. I saw it in a DS9 book of all places.

1= I tried to do Chekov's accent, I really did, but I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet.

2= Do you think the crew really believes Chekov when he tells them it's a "Russian inwention"

3= I'm getting a little ahead of the timeline, but go read "Captain's Peril" by William Shatner. Everything is explained; you'll be hocked on the book in no time. It's quite interesting and Picard almost dies!

4= Isn't it the truth, though?

5= If you can actually imagine Sulu chanting that, I envy you.

6= Had to put it in somewhere.

7= Pon Far. According to my sources, Pon Far is the "need to breed" experienced by Vulcans every seven years of their life. Tuvok has a suppressant for this. T'Paul has had it. I figured it was Spock's turn.

8= Yes, those strings, the ones you can see during the episodes. 

8.5= A shameless Gundam Wing pun for those anime fans out there. Owens was originally created for Gundam Wing fics, but this was an opportunity to get him to do something else.

9= This has to be the worst Klingon plot device ever created. I shame myself.

As another note, the only real Russian invention in this fic is Tetris. Just as a note to those who might get confused. Trust me, people do that sometimes. I've even done it before!

Authors notes: I hope you all enjoyed the humor. I do what I can. As my first Star Trek fic, I don't think I did half bad, but I'd like to do better in the future, so comments on personality traits or writing style are helpful to me at this stage. Although, I do always enjoy the common falling out of chairs jig. I find it humorous how far reviewers go for a laugh. I've done it many times myself.

Thanks again to Tavia for the use of Jones, it was exceedingly fun to write for him. To the rest of you, Tavia is a much more experienced writer in Star Trek fiction. Check her page out and laugh while reading her fics!

Thanks to my brother, for sitting at my side, yelling at me to keep typing. That's how this got done in four days. Also using Pon Far was his idea, I just thought to use it on Spock would be fun.

Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read this. To the writers, Happy Typing. To everyone else,

Until Next time,

Unrealistic :-)

(And her insane little trekkie bro, Quantum ManiacJ…\\ //, Live long and proper [happy PonFar!])

My brother is such a pervert please excuse him. He's such a Spock hater. Do you know what he calls him? Spork! Of all the evil, insane things to do… and during his death scene none the less!


End file.
